FOOD FOR THOUGHT OR FOOD FOR BODY

Well i am so happy to be back in wimmin-only space and i am really happy about seeing so many wimmin again. The food that Sally had prepared for the meeting was indeed spectacular and truly delicious, i learned quite a bit about raw foods some of which she had prepared along with other cooked vegetarian foods, i think i am envious of her knowledge and her ability, me alter tells me that i will loose out if i continue to be envious rather than make an attempt to learn from her and i do agree with this. The group of wimmin had grown tremendously since i had been gone and i did wonder if this had happened because i was gone, and i will ask latter on. I only knew 5 wimmin in the group who had been there when i was, they were cordial but cool toward me, the other wimmin did not really know me some had heard of me,so it was as if i was the new group member and i guess i am. One womon in the group ask me to identify myself and tell the group about myself, i felt very awkward and for the first time i really felt how other wimmin might have felt on their first time in group. I was indeed very embarrassed. I did talk about myself, and out of nowhere and before i realized it i was talking about putting myself in a homeless position, why, and the results. Sitting in a corner of the room was a very small womyn very dark skin and very attractive, she was an older womon and had been quiet the whole time i was talking, after some of the wimmin had asked me questions and were relatively quiet she said yes being homeless is quite an experience for a womon, i was homeless for 5 years before i stopped, i could hear everyone in the group gasp, at this point i wondered had Sally ever mentioned being homeless. I asked the womon her name Elvira she said, she also said that just the thought of being homeless again made her very jumpy and she seldom would give it thought, she said when she saw homeless wimmin on the streets all she could do was cry, so she tried very hard not to see them wimmin or men on the streets, and that when they approached her when she was in a car she would not look at them anymore because she saw too much of herself in them. I wanted to say i don't have that feeling yet, i did say i am still angry with homed people both wimmin and men. Another womon who seemed very uncomfortable with the conversation changed it she said the food was very good and wanted to talk about what had been left hanging in limbo from the last meeting, the hiring of a cook for the meeting. The group had developed a plan in which they would hire a cook for a period of six months, evaluate and then make a decision on hiring the cook for a month, they had developed a food plan, a shopping plan, and a budget for the food. I said to myself wow this group must be organized by a Capricorn, everything seemed so planned. The other wimmin looked at her as though she had 3 heads, i think it was because she seemed so insensitive to the conversation about homeless wimmin and men, one womon called her insensitive, to this she responded that those who wanted to be homeless did so at their own wish, and she did not find conversation about anyone who was carrying out their wishes interesting unless it had something to do with her, and that homelessness of anyone had nothing to do with her. She also said that she really wanted to stick to what the group had been involved in and that she thought it important to complete the food kitchen plan,with Sally in the kitchen. Elvira was sitting in the corner shaking her head back and forth. The womon who was talking about the food/kitchen plan continued to speak,she said just because i had come back to the group, after deciding to leave the group for my "little venture", was no reason to abandon what the group had agreed upon, i said i did not expect nor did i want the group to abandon their plans it just that i thought i needed to be up front and honest with the group, the womon said i do think it is a little late for up frontness, and honesty from me, since i had not notified the group in the beginning that i was leaving, she said you just walked away, saying nothing to no one and now we need to believe you are being up front and honesty? She was correct so at that i shut my mouth. I knew then that if i wanted to be a part of this group again i would have to show my sincerity and even then they could continue to feel the same as the womon, some of the wimmin were shaking their heads in agreement with her. I started to apologize when me alter said to me if one's behaviour is correct there is no need for apologies, with that i changed my mind and said,i have done what i thought was necessary for me to do, i am not ashamed nor apologetic about my past behaviour, i would like to be a part of this group if that is possible and if not i could go on. At this point Gloria asked if i would leave the room so that the group could discuss if they wanted me there or not. I said i would not that i had the eggs to hear what ever needed to be said and i wanted to know if the members of the group had the eggs to say to me directly what needed to be said. I heard one member of the group say dam here we go again, whenever she is here there is always some sort of problem. The old me say to me self f... u, the new me sat and listened, the group made the decision that they wanted me out of there to voice their thoughts, at this point i saw Sally look at me with a strange sadness in her eyes, i got up announced that i would be outside around the fire when the group was ready for me. I left the room, the fire was very nice, and i thought to myself wow that was really neat for Sally to build fires in my memory.