NEW WHO?

I want to cook for wimmin, I want to feed all lthe wimmin in the world

I want to be with wimmin, I want to be with all the wimmin in the world

I will do this,

I will reinvent myself.

I will be a new me.

WHEN WHERE AND HOW?

I DREAM AND DREAM OF WIMMIN-ONLY SPACE

sleep did come easy and the dreams flowed like never before, this was the first time i remembered having a dream since i came back for the land of the homeless and what wyrd and strange dreams. the first one i remembered had to do with my oldest sister who arrived at her sunset eighteen years ago. in the dream she and one of my other sisters were driving this old car from the 50ties and i kept running after them asking them to wait for me cause i wanted to go with them, as i ran they kept going faster, i then took flight and flew up over the car and i was screaming for them to stop, but they kept going and started to look up and laugh, then out of no where our mother showed up and said to me you know you sisters can't drive so that can not be them in the car, i was still in flight but the car had disappeared, my mother reached up and gently pulled my down to the ground using the shirt i had on, she looked at me and reached over, patted my shoulder and covered me with some sort of fabric, i remembered taking a deep breath and hearing the hissing of a spray can, i opened my eyes and my mother sprayed something on me from the can and i remembered having the feeling that i was dying. i died, and then heard myself say nope not now and woke up, and all of this was in one dream.
You know this causes me to wonder again am i dead now that i am awake, or am i dead when i am dreaming? which one is the real one? is there a real one? real one what? i have begun to do an analysis of this dream and i have gotten no where just yet. I know understanding will come i just don't know when. the next dream i was with Sally and Gloria and a Lotta other wimmin at some sort of womyn's event walking down a dirt road to what was called the family affair time, as i walked down the road i noticed that there were wimmin, girls, men, and boys at the event, i stopped and asked a womyn who was by herself if this was a womon-only event she said no it is a woman's event, i kept walking down the road and met up with another womon and i asked her where was the womon-only event she said there is no such thing and that i must have been dreaming, when i awaken from these dreams i was not sure if i was awake. i found myself asking for me alter to visit me or for someone to visit me so that they could give me some assistance back into reality. reality? reality.

THE VERDICT IS IN

Gloria called me back into the meeting, i noticed no one looked directly at me except Sally, Gloria and one other womon, so i pretty well guessed i was vote as persona non gratis. I sat down on the floor and it seemed as though everyone started talking at once, at this point i said i can not hear anyone because all of you are talking (me alter appeared and said to me great start girlie, great start, that should win you some friends) of course it did not. Well anyway everyone stopped talking and Gloria began, she looked at me and i could see the sadness in her eyes, she said the group has decided that you must stay away from meetings for a month which at that time they will again meet on if you stay or go. I said o hell why make it so painful for yourselves and me why not just tell me to go now. (me alter showed up again and said easy girl, easy, calm down) i closed my mouth, with this Sally simply said I love you, I started to cry did not intend to but when i heard Sally say I love you i started to cry. I heard one womon say o please the big dyke cries, and another womon say to her you really have a hard on for her don't you then i heard some womon say o shut the f... up. I said very fine i will abide by the wishes of the group. With this Gloria said although you can not come to the meetings for a month, you can still live here if you wish. i was about to say all of you can jump off a bridge when my alter came to me and said (don't you really know love when you hear it? what did you really learn on the streets being homeless? What? I asked the group for what reason was i being given a month and not accepted back into the group immediately? The womon who said " the big dyke cries", said because some of us want you to know how we felt when you just up and left us and did not tell us why or what, at least we care enough to tell you, you did not give us the same respect, you just decided to reject us without letting us know why. I looked around at the group of wimmin and for the first time in a long time, i felt cared for by them. I stood up and said I will accept what you have decided for me and I will return in a month to see what will happen i said thank you very much for you caring and left the group, went back outside, rekindled the fire, did an herb and sat starring at the fire till after the group was over and the wimmin left. I was wishing very much that Gloria and Sally not come out to the fire and they did not. I spread a piece of cardboard i had gotten from a dumpster, laid down, and fell asleep. Wow sleep came easy.

WHY WIMMIN-ONLY SPACE?

As i sit around the fire awaiting my verdict my mind wanders off to other places. I question myself well what is so bad about being homeless, i feel homeless right now. Did my leaving really create such a roar or am i being used as the "cat's paw"? I now realize that many of the wimmin who were in the group when i left had some real issues with me, but they never told me so. So is it so important to me to be a part of the particular group? There are many wimmin who are not a part of this group so becoming a part of another group certainly can not be that difficult. Why am i pondering being in another group as i await my fate with this one. I realize that i do like this group of wimmin or is it that i am dependent on them? The fire looks good, i could walk out the gate right now and never come back but what is that about? I really want to be here, and if the group decides no can do then i will concern myself with what else, but for now the fire looks good. I realize that wimmin-only space is very very important to me and i find myself asking myself as me alter often does, how bad do i want this? I want wimmin-only space, i would love to be solely in wimmin-only space, there are feelings i have when i am in wimmin-only space that i don't feel in any other space, and yes i want the space bad enough to fight for it. How do you explain to wimmin the intensity of the space? There are some women who feel that wimmin-only space is discriminatory, well isn't everything. I mean don't we all discriminate or discern all the time? I mean if not how could i get the message over that i am a vegetarian, is not that an act of discernment and discrimination? Is it because i make a concious effort to be with my kind? And if that is it then how do i remain true to my heritage? When i asked or when anyone ask to be with who they see to be there own kind is that not discerning and discriminating? If not how do you explain Polish, Italian, Jewish clubs and or organizations? How do you explain the NAACP? How do you explain Indian Reservations? How do you explain those who dress a certain way to indicate their cultures, religions and customs? Why wimmin-only space well figure it out.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT OR FOOD FOR BODY

Well i am so happy to be back in wimmin-only space and i am really happy about seeing so many wimmin again. The food that Sally had prepared for the meeting was indeed spectacular and truly delicious, i learned quite a bit about raw foods some of which she had prepared along with other cooked vegetarian foods, i think i am envious of her knowledge and her ability, me alter tells me that i will loose out if i continue to be envious rather than make an attempt to learn from her and i do agree with this. The group of wimmin had grown tremendously since i had been gone and i did wonder if this had happened because i was gone, and i will ask latter on. I only knew 5 wimmin in the group who had been there when i was, they were cordial but cool toward me, the other wimmin did not really know me some had heard of me,so it was as if i was the new group member and i guess i am. One womon in the group ask me to identify myself and tell the group about myself, i felt very awkward and for the first time i really felt how other wimmin might have felt on their first time in group. I was indeed very embarrassed. I did talk about myself, and out of nowhere and before i realized it i was talking about putting myself in a homeless position, why, and the results. Sitting in a corner of the room was a very small womyn very dark skin and very attractive, she was an older womon and had been quiet the whole time i was talking, after some of the wimmin had asked me questions and were relatively quiet she said yes being homeless is quite an experience for a womon, i was homeless for 5 years before i stopped, i could hear everyone in the group gasp, at this point i wondered had Sally ever mentioned being homeless. I asked the womon her name Elvira she said, she also said that just the thought of being homeless again made her very jumpy and she seldom would give it thought, she said when she saw homeless wimmin on the streets all she could do was cry, so she tried very hard not to see them wimmin or men on the streets, and that when they approached her when she was in a car she would not look at them anymore because she saw too much of herself in them. I wanted to say i don't have that feeling yet, i did say i am still angry with homed people both wimmin and men. Another womon who seemed very uncomfortable with the conversation changed it she said the food was very good and wanted to talk about what had been left hanging in limbo from the last meeting, the hiring of a cook for the meeting. The group had developed a plan in which they would hire a cook for a period of six months, evaluate and then make a decision on hiring the cook for a month, they had developed a food plan, a shopping plan, and a budget for the food. I said to myself wow this group must be organized by a Capricorn, everything seemed so planned. The other wimmin looked at her as though she had 3 heads, i think it was because she seemed so insensitive to the conversation about homeless wimmin and men, one womon called her insensitive, to this she responded that those who wanted to be homeless did so at their own wish, and she did not find conversation about anyone who was carrying out their wishes interesting unless it had something to do with her, and that homelessness of anyone had nothing to do with her. She also said that she really wanted to stick to what the group had been involved in and that she thought it important to complete the food kitchen plan,with Sally in the kitchen. Elvira was sitting in the corner shaking her head back and forth. The womon who was talking about the food/kitchen plan continued to speak,she said just because i had come back to the group, after deciding to leave the group for my "little venture", was no reason to abandon what the group had agreed upon, i said i did not expect nor did i want the group to abandon their plans it just that i thought i needed to be up front and honest with the group, the womon said i do think it is a little late for up frontness, and honesty from me, since i had not notified the group in the beginning that i was leaving, she said you just walked away, saying nothing to no one and now we need to believe you are being up front and honesty? She was correct so at that i shut my mouth. I knew then that if i wanted to be a part of this group again i would have to show my sincerity and even then they could continue to feel the same as the womon, some of the wimmin were shaking their heads in agreement with her. I started to apologize when me alter said to me if one's behaviour is correct there is no need for apologies, with that i changed my mind and said,i have done what i thought was necessary for me to do, i am not ashamed nor apologetic about my past behaviour, i would like to be a part of this group if that is possible and if not i could go on. At this point Gloria asked if i would leave the room so that the group could discuss if they wanted me there or not. I said i would not that i had the eggs to hear what ever needed to be said and i wanted to know if the members of the group had the eggs to say to me directly what needed to be said. I heard one member of the group say dam here we go again, whenever she is here there is always some sort of problem. The old me say to me self f... u, the new me sat and listened, the group made the decision that they wanted me out of there to voice their thoughts, at this point i saw Sally look at me with a strange sadness in her eyes, i got up announced that i would be outside around the fire when the group was ready for me. I left the room, the fire was very nice, and i thought to myself wow that was really neat for Sally to build fires in my memory.

THINKING THINKING THINKING

i want to cook, i want to prepare food, i want to prepare food for wimmin only, i want to share the happiness i feel through food, i need to prepare myself for the reality of what i want and with whom i want to be with and how. i think if i can get into the kitchen again i can show myself the way i need to through food. food is stronger than politics or religion. a womon once told me take away food and see what happens to politic and religion. sometimes we have everything we want and often go out to see if there is something we want, of which we already have. i think i understand the meaning of the sayings you don't miss your water till your well runs dry, and grass always look greener on the other side. i realized i had walked away from all of this to go and be homeless, and now i want all that i had before i left. too late.

I AM HAPPY YES? YES

i am happy to be back at THE HOUSE Sally seem to be happy with me here, it seems strange to me to be the one living out doors and she indoors, but i think i am going to like it. she showed me the new garden that she had started all herb plants, marjoram, parsley, oregano, chilies, scallions, basil, chervil, lovage, borage, and some chili pepper plants, they look great, i wondered to myself how come i never started a garden when i was here. i looked around and saw that she had done wonders with the yard, there was aloe of all kinds growing everywhere, she also had pineapples and bamboo. i asked her how do you have time to do all of this and cook for the group also, she explained that the garden she put in when she was still living outdoors and that now the tending to it was very minuscule, she also suggested that i take the gardens over i thought to myself good idea maybe i will garden instead of cook i like that idea and asked her what she thought of it, she replied you are an excellent cook without a doubt and there is a lot i think in can learn from you, however the garden is a wonderful place to begin and that she thought it would be good for me to help me in some spiritual growth, she also said that when we go to the womon who is and has been growing organically for years we could get some plants from her. i liked the idea. although i must say the thought came to me that perhaps Sally did not really want me in the kitchen just yet, so i asked her if she was pleased with me coming into the kitchen with her to cook for the group, she answered absolutely not, but that she did not know what else to say to me about the kitchen, and that Gloria liked the way i prepared foods. i looked at her i was startled by her absolute honesty and told her that i would not be in the kitchen cooking for the group until it was OK with everyone, she looked at me very strangely for a few minutes and went on to talk about the herbs in the garden. we walked the yard i mentioned to her about the tent i was going to buy, she asked me if i had money i answered no but that i was going to look to see if i could find something to do to make some. she said if i was willing to keep the gardens and the yard she and Gloria would pay me, i asked for time to think it over.

I AM HAPPY TO BE IN THE COMPANY

i really am very happy to be back and in the company of so many wimmin again. what an experience of being homeless i am happy i have somewhere to live sleep and be with friends even if all of the wimmin are not my personal friends i feel safe with them. I will be cooking again next week, also will be with all wimmin for the first time in a long time and i love that. i must make some adjustments to my attitude in the kitchen with Sally however i don't see where that will be a problem, i am going to the store with Sally this evening do some shopping and also going to a womon's house who grow herbs organically, and to the organic farm down south from here. Sally has started a garden in the yard of THE HOUSE and it is really nice, i don't see how she is able to cook and tend a garden there is a lot that i can learn from her, and i want to.

I AM BACK TO BEGIN

well i am back and now to begin,everything seems new to me and i seem new to myself, where to begin? who to see? who to talk to ? who not to? what to do? what not to?

ALMOST THERE ?

walking is good for you causes you to breath deep, good for bones, muscles, eyes, awareness, and i am walking to THE HOUSE not as fast as before, taking more time to really see everyone and everything, everything appears to be different to me now, the trees seem more alive the people do also, the air seems to be more vibrant, my steps seem quicker and i feel more sure of myself, sure about what i really do not know but sure nevertheless, i long to see THE HOUSE, THE WIMMIN, MY MOTHER AND SISTERS, surely twill be soon, so i walk.

FOOD FOOD FOOD

i really have food on my mind i wanna cook and eat healthy good food i think i have a whole new feeling about food, about cooking, about the company of wimmin, about life mine and others, i am glad to be coming or going to THE HOUSE i am glad to be going or coming home, home is really where the heart is and my heart right now is in THE HOUSE.

COMING OR GOING

I plan to be in THE HOUSE within 2 to 3 days, these are my plans, i wonder who lives there now.

I WANT TO GO HOME

I want to see the wimmin i love, i want to be in the company of wimmin, i want to eat, play talk, dance and sleep with the wimmin i love, i am one of those wimmin, i am the wimmin i have been waiting for, i need to, want to, go where i feel at home, i must go home.

THE HAITUS BEGINS AGAIN

I HAVE TO GO AWAY FOR ABIT AGAIN I'M GONE.

IS THE HIATUS REALLY OVER ?

So anyway D.... was one of the wimmin who would come by often and we would talk long into the night sometimes. and then there were times i had to ask for my space to be alone, whenever that happened D... would become very sullen and quiet i would become very uncomfortable, i had thought of telling her my plans but i changed my mind. i really gave thought to the idea that maybe i was trying to hard to find wimmin who felt about the 3M's as i did and who wanted to really deal with the idea that food is a great political tool used for generations by those who seek control over. and i am discovering that i myself have to unball my thoughts to myself so that i can express them without appearing to hinder others, i must learn again how to compose so that others are not threatened. the drive to understand the human state can be oppressive.

THE HIATUS IS OVER

Well I am back after a bit of a Hiatus it is over now. Was very interesting how things happened. I did not realize that so many wimmin really did miss me and certainly missed them much more than I realized I would. D.... has come to see me and talk often, thanks to her I still feel connected to wimmin interested in dealing with food and food concerns. She is no longer calling it "her meat addiction" she now talks about her feelings in relationship to food and those who over the years provided her with food and under what conditions. I told her about my cousin who had died from having a heart attack and other conditions that came on because of her weight, she died at the age of 37 weighing over 448 pounds. We loved each other, I never know why she ate as she did however before she died she told me a lotta things about herself and her mother father brothers and sisters. I felt so terribly bad when she finished talking to me, I felt as though we all had killed her, killed her by not talking about the abuse she got from her father and brothers, abuse that she had taken in and made a part of her own core, i started to feel guilty about not talking about this to her earlier in her and my life, i got pissed off with myself and all the family members who said we loved her as we watch her get eaten up, i am now glad i can talk about this and i am most happy for having taken the time to talk to D..... ,i realize tis not her meat addiction but all of us wimmin as well.

FRIEND OR FOE

Well it seems as though I have totally disenfranchised myself from many of the wimmin in the group, was not my intent, but so be it D.... did come to see me and we talked a long time about food, the attitudes surrounding food the pro and con of eating animals and not eating them the health aspects of it. She said somethings I had never considered: One when I have been told that the best food one can eat is a piece of good meat, good meat meaning any animal that was considered by those who grew me up as good meat the butt of a cow, the thyroid of an animal, the pieces of the animal that was considered choice, how can anyone expect or think that all of a sudden the eating of this animal is not acceptable..she spoke of growing up with a father who demanded that all his children had the very finest meat on the table, and all not only were expected to eat it but to show appreciation for it by saying prayer over it and give thanks for the preparation of it, and a mother who was devoted to pleasing her man husband and making good food for her family. She said how can I even bring myself to believe that eating meat is not good for me or correct to do. She said I cannot bring myself to call meat animal. She spoke of times as a little girl and latter as a young women her father berating her and her sister about not eating nor liking meat he had provided and for that act of disrespect, they (she and her sister) were made to go to their rooms without anything else to eat until they could be respectful and eat what had been provided for them. She said sometimes she and her sister both would wait as long as they could even though they were hungry, to show him they would not eat it, till mother would come and pleaded with them not to make their father angry, because he would take it out on her. She said she would listen as her father would negatively talk about them as girls as their mother and brothers would sit at the dinner and listen, and that whenever their mother would try and defend them their father would demand that both them and their mother leave the table until they could show some respect. As I listened to her I said to myself I am really lucky cause I think if I had had a father like this one If my mother did not poison him I would have.