JA JA JA JA JA HA

A bit giddy tonight not gonna write to much either, time to go on a vacation, need some time somewhere else, be back in mid august.Need to get away from me self and me alter, I'm outta here.bye y'all

DREAMS AGAIN?

Woke up from a very strange dream in a sweat,the dream i was riding in the back of my mothers car (a car my mother use to have) she was driving like a bat out of hell (my mother is the original Pepsi can driver that's 10miles per hour in a 30mile zone), she pulled into the gas station and tells the attendant to fill up the car check the fluids and clean the windows(this is something i have never seen my mother do,ever) she take off like 2 bats out of hell and i noticed that she is drunk, (my mother has never drank alcohol) i say mother please let me out she laughs suddenly stops the car and gets out, she say to me OK get out then, i get out and she starts to ride a bicycle down the road i catch up with her and grab hold of the back of the bike she continues to bike with me holding on, i tell her i am going to jog and turn loose the bike she keeps on bicycling never looking back at me i continue to jog calling out to her but she never turns around i see her disappear into the distance. Now my mother has never been on a bicycle and everything in the dream was so unlike her. I have and do use a bicycle,never been an avid jogger, and the dream made and makes no awake since to me. I went to the old womon who divinate dreams and asked her what did it mean,she told me you have the tools for divination so divinate your own dreams, i told her i thought it was to up in my face to be able to divinate it correctly, she said as you divinate so is it correct, i really don't know what she means by that and i tell her so, she said you will get to know soon and that's the way she left it. I know not to press with her any further cause she gets really badmoodish i think so anyway. So away i go with my dream still running around in my head i will not divinate on this dream now i am afraid to. Does this have anything to do with my conversations with the other wimmin over the little house? the food? the money? what? yo no se.

SO MIX SOME WATER WITH THE WINE

Well this is a bottle of wine later or a story later don't know. Well whenever i feel i have had enough to think or is that to drink i wanna go lay down and go to sleep, i did that, what? have to much to think or drink and went to sleep, and wow did i ever dream. My dream i was at a festival with the womon i love and we were walking around the land, the land turned to a university campus and i was alone laying out on the grass getting sun on me belly when i look up and about 20thousand bodies were walking past me going into the buildings to i think register to be students,i have started to dream again almost every night,so anyway i jumped up off the grass and started toward the back of the building but it was so dark and i was getting scared i duck through what i thought was a building with bodies in it it was empty, i started to run and i ran directly into a figure standing next to the column a voice said to me sacred eh? and i heard my own voice answer scared of what ? the voice said to me you are scared of me, again i heard my voice say so who are you that i should be scared of ? voice answered i am the one who put you in that dark and i woke up with a start. Did i drink that wine i don't have a headache but i could not for the sake of me remember if i drank the bottle of wine, it wasn't morning yet so i got up walked into the kitchen to look for the bottle of wine,no wine in the kitchen, what about the living room no wine in the living room, OK so where is the bottle of wine i know i had one so where is it? Look in the garbage cans,nope no wine in the cans. I sat down on the floor and i said to myself i know i am not crazy nor going there, i had a bottle of wine somewhere in this apartment and the last time i remembered it was in the kitchen, i know i could not have drank it i would feel it now i know i would so take a deep breath and think, keep sitting on the floor until it comes to you, who you? a voice said in my head o no not now please alter i don't need you now pleezzze, o yes you do need me now said my alter cause you aren't sure if you're loosing it or not and i can help you, all you have to say is alter i need you please don't fail me now, me alter said go ahead say it say it. You know it is so easy to be high and mighty in the midst of having no fear, but fear fear fear what is that really how could one word create such tremblings. Now look at that word, i mean really look at the word FEAR FEAR F EAR FE AR, some how when i write it out it ain't that fearfull or should that be fear full, fear fill, fear ful? UMM. So anyway i said OK alter i will let you have your way for the moment,she started laughing like mad, she stop when i said alright alter i need your please don't fail me now, she said say it again, i said OK alter i need you please don't fail me now, she said now at this place you can chose to become angry or you can chose to have my help, so she said say it for the third time, i said OK alter i need you please don't fail me now, she smiled and said to me humbling isn't it? go look in the refrigerator, i got up off the floor looked in the frig and there was the bottle of wine laying on its side right where i put it last night before i literally threw myself in bed. What is a mind really it is not the brain so what is it ?as long a humankind has studied everything and especially its own kind how come no one has really discovered what a mind really is,is it really as this old womon told me one time that the mind is ether, air, one of the forces of nature we can see the effects of the mind but the mind is one of the mysteries in the universe, and being a mystery well that's what it is. And i had not open the mind i mean wine, i just thought i was loosing it. Now for a big glass of cool water. whew

WINE A PLANT BASED FOOD? DRINK?

Well well well i remember when my mother told me a story she said her mother told her and that her mother's mother told her, so this is a story from my mother,grandmother,and great grandmother, although i never met my great grand mother i think that is really one of the few wonders of the world getting to know your grandmothers, i have a niece and a grand niece, and a great grand niece but i don't feel like i imagined a grand or great grand feels. Now i really don't know where that just came from, but thinking about someone who has a great grand mother and know her and talk to her every day is quite an awesome thought to me. Well i say i have never met my great grand mother, that's not quite true when i look at my mother and her sisters and my sisters and the daughters that have i think i have met my great grand mother cause i know some of us have to look like her or hers,now to put a way of being to my great grand mother that would be die no mite and is a whole nother story. is nother a word? of course it is said me alter, you just used it and spelled it so it is a word, i do believe there is an a in front of that word, so put it there if that makes you feel more learned, how the hell can you be more learned, would not that be if that makes you feel learned all of this conversation to some one who does not exist. Me alter became a bit excited with this one and said to me please explain to me how does one not exist? How does non-existence show it self and if it does show it self how can it not exist. Well i started off thinkin about drinking a bottle of wine all by myself, some how now i don't think i need any wine or maybe i do, cause it really started off with a story that i was going to tell that my mother told me that her mother told her that her mother told her. See how crazy you can get in the head? are shrinks called shrinks because they help you shrink the thoughts in your head or because they help you shrink your thoughts about what is in your head?

THE PHONE CALLS

I really do know when things are abrewing ascrewing and things are doing just that, got some phone calls this a.m. wimmin wanted to know if i was tired of having (LESBIAN HOUSE DINING)events/actions at my apartment in an unsafe part of town, of course they did not say in an unsafe part of town i did, i told them no i was not tired, another asked what was i going to do with all the food that was left from the last event told her some of my thoughts, was interesting when i mentioned preparing some for the neighbors she got so salty said that was not what the food was left for i asked well tell me what the food was left for she said for us to prepare and eat it ourselves and for other wimmin who might come to the events/actions, she said she did not remember signing up for a role as a social worker or a food provider for people who did not want to work for their own. This is the same womon who seemed so angry at me at the last event/action. I know i will have to get at the bottom of her feelings i realized now is not the right time. She also asked me what was going to happen to and what was happening to the money that the wimmin left at each action/event, i told her that i had been giving thought to writing out what i have done with the money in the past and my plans for it in the future,she wanted to know who gave me permission to use the money and to decided what to do with it? Well i gotta say these questions caught me by surprise and i told her that, her comment i think we need to talk about this at our next meeting and gain some clarity on it. Well i want u to know that the shit hit the fan in my head, i asked her how did she think the water lights phone and other creature comforts that were used by the wimmin who came to my apartment in an unsafe part of town were paid, she said she did not think that was a concern of hers nor of the wimmin who came there, i told her we do need to discuss this in the group and that i had to go could not talk to her anymore. The truth i had to stop talking to her cause i was really beginning to loose it, i could feel the sweat on my forehead, my hands were damp and my heart had started to beat fast, so i knew it was time to say good bye, i did. Wow was i pissed off what who does she think she is? Me alter said to me that's what she was asking you who do think you are? Who do i think i am? I am the one who gives up my place for the actions/events, me alter said aw now aren't you great cause we all know if it wasn't for you wimmin could not meet with other wimmin, that is not what i mean, well she said what the hell do you mean? You make yourself sound as though you are the saving grace here, i do not, i still wanna know how the hell are those comforts to be taken care of certainly not all by me where am i to get the extra money to take care of those increased cost because of more bodies being in the apartment? Who is paying me for preparing food? using utilities? washing dishes? keeping the place hospitable and clean? what about those things? I have been doing all of this, me alter said no you have not all the wimmin help with the food and the dishes and other things so no you don't do all of it alone, and then they bring food and money and they don't get paid for this. I am not asking to be paid i simply think that this should not be a cost to or for me alone, me alter said it is not,so why get so upset? so talk about this in the next action/event, i plan to, me alter said i think that is all the womon was asking, so o.k. no angst eh?

THE TALE OF LOOK C TOLD

Well this should be a very interesting (LESBIAN-HOUSE-DINING) in-wimmin-only-space action/event. I am asking myself do i really want to move to the little house? Do i really want to leave my apartment in an unsafe part of town that i was just beginning to feel safe in? And it seem as though the other wimmin were feeling safe also. I asked myself are we becoming delusional? Are we feeling safe because we have become familiar with area and is that really safe? Or is it i am scared of change? Yo no se,well anyway tonight is the night to talk about this one, i wondered if G..... was coming to the action/event, i realized that i still have some suspicion about her and the offer and as me alter would say that is mine. So the evening began with 21 of us counting myself G..... did come and so did everyone else no new wimmin tonight i am glad of that and i am extremely nervous. I started the conversation off mainly out of the jitters with talk about the neighborhood, i don't think i was being very honest cause i really wanted to talk about the little house, i asked each womon what did she think about the idea of moving the (LHD)in-wimmin-only-space actions/events to another place? The questions why? are tired of us being here? What other place? Where? whose idea is it? I answered all the questions by starting off with G..... is offering another place first of all for me to live and next to have a larger place for the actions/events to take place,i told them of her offer, of the 21 of us there 13 said yes lets do it the others wanted to know all the details,cost, how the meeting would be changed,where was the house located,would G.....be our land lady and would she be a part of the group and would that change our dialog with her in group? these were just a few of the questions, the main concern seemed to have been about upkeep of the little house and the cost for this and how would we meet it,since my apartment was cheaper. I did not want to take on the responsibility for answering all the questions so i asked G..... to help and respond to some. She seemed ill at ease with this, however she did do it. Cost would be the same that i was paying for the apartment, the meeting would changed as we like them she had nothing to do with that except as member of the group, yes she would be our landlady and to put us at ease as to not being thrown out if she got angry with the group she was offering me a 5year deal as far as the house was concerned. I had not heard of any deal five year or not, she had not mentioned this to me so this came as a surprise. She said she would have the house repaired but that after i moved in we or i would have to be responsible for repairs and finding wimmin to do the work. I thought this is a lot of responsibility to take on suppose the group stops, can i maintain this place on the fixed income i have will i have anyone to help me what if this is a error how can i know? One of the wimmin in the group wanted to vote on it i said to myself i am so shittin tired of the vote crap,but i did not say this to the group, another womon said she saw no need to vote on something all of us had not seen, another said she was not interested in moving at all some heads nodded agreement, another said why don't we go look at her and then come back together and make a decision then, heads nodded in agreement, i said to myself i don't think i want to see her again i do love her, but i need to stay away until i hear some more from the others. They all agreed to go see her and they are going together, i told them i had seen her already and had no need to go back,one of the wimmin said o that's right you always have the first scoop on things don't you? I got pissed off with this and before i realized it i said to her o stop being such a tight ass,well the shit hit the fan and in the midst of the uproar between me and her i realized that she was very angry with me about something what i did not know and at that moment i did not give a hot damn. I heard myself say hey I'm outta here and i stood up to go somewhere and realized i was in my own apartment, so i looked around some of the wimmin had started laughing and in a split moment me alter came to me and said so now whatcha gonna do? I remembered the dykeapissin, i remembered my mother saying to me so many times girl u must learn to be patient, the wimmin were still laughing, my ego took charge and i said you do realized whose apartment this is dont you? The wimmin laughed even harder and one of them said to me so are you gonna throw us all out? will it be one by one or all of us at once. This caused me to come somewhat to my senses and i said OK OK you win and i sat back down. I was told by an old womon one time that laughter is one of the strongest tools to use in the process of creating or cooperating with change. Harumph. So everyone is going to see the little house and yes i am going with them. Harumph me alter said hey hey girl girl how is that one? I said to me alter cool it and shut the hell up.

THE TALE OF LOOK C

As i started back to my apartment in an unsafe part of town i found myself glad to be getting back, i didn't walk back i took the bus or la wawa as some of us call it. I forgot this time of day everyone is coming home from work, wow it was really something to see that 97% of the bodies on the wawa were women coming from work dark skin women coming from work most of them were. I said to myself so we are the workforce of this country or is this indicative of the world. I thought to myself we the people, we the little people, we the ones off of whose backs the world is run. I thought of something i had read many many moons ago that the large is always built off of the small a simple example babies of all kinds become big ones eventually. Wow look at all the women.And of all things i heard myself say so where are the men don't they work? don't they ride the buses? another voice said not this time of day these are working bodies. I found myself not wanting to think about the little house i had just visited,not think about telling any of the wimmin about her, not think about moving from my apartment in an unsafe part of town, not think about all of the friends i had made in the hood, not think about the old women and yes men there who i think enjoyed some of the food i would make and bring them, not think about change, not think about anything nor anyone. I was so busy making sure i did not think that i missed my get off point and had to walk back 3 blocks, it really was OK it gave me another chance not to think.

O.K. A LOOK C

Well i am still thinking about what me alter had to say to me. I am giving it some thought time but not to hard right now. I am going over to take a look at the little house that G......offered to me to live in and for the (LESBIAN HOUSE DINING-in-wimmin-space) events/action, i am very excited but i don't wanna get to excited cause anything can happen to cause this not to happen. Well now that is definitely a strong negative attitude to take with you on a new venture,said u know who. who else? but me alter. Alright i will re invent my attitude toward this venture and acknowledge my excitement and wish that this is going to be a wonderful thing. And i need to talk to the other wimmin about this, i mean no one has said anything about wanting to move from where we are in my apartment of course it is a unsafe part of town. O my gosh i sound as though i believe all those stories about where i live, i just heard myself say and in the same shity tone "of course it is an unsafe part of town." I wonder what would my neighbors say of me if they heard me say that. What would i think if i heard one of my neighbors say that? O.K. lets stay focused on the little house. The address of the house puts it in a part of town that i have heard called old town, so i think that will mean old houses and old people and old ways of being and thinking. Some of that excites me, i have found that i tend to get on better with old people. Old wimmin seem so enduring to me.The men? well so anyway, i tend to like some of the old ways of being, ive noticed in old parts of a city the older people walk more and are more a part of the street populace, and the younger people seem to know them well. I used to think that old people who walked alot where doing it only for health reasons but after talking to some of the old wimmin walking many of them also mentioned staying in touch with what was happening in the neighborhood made them feel less fearful of the environment and gave them a chance to be good and nosei. My mother once told me one of the greatest gifts anyone could have is a nosei neighbor,cause they would know everything going on in the neighborhood and if you ever needed information or needed to send information in the hood they were the best ones to talk to to get that job done. Now on old ways of thinkings, some of the old ways of thinking i like. I like the idea of walking past my neighbors house looking at the different trees and plants they have in their yards and thinking about what fruits and veggies i can exchange with them, or buy from them, i like hearing others say good morning,day,evening, and i really like the way i feel no i wont say completely safe but a feeling of well being is the best i can call it. I can catch the bus part the way and walk the other. So here goes,first the bus stop. I haven't been on a city bus in a long long time it has never been my favorite way to travel, i much prefer walking,biking or driving (although riding in a car can be pleasant for me at times). So anyway i walked up to the bus stop not far from my apartment in an unsafe part of town (i use to say that to those who were coming to visit me but I've noticed lately i say that to myself) an older womon i knew many moons ago told me that i would always be able to tell those who had been trained well by the patriarchy when i hear them repeating words or ideas that they knew not to be true. Well the bus stop o my gosh have i been away that long there is a body laying on the bus bench, anyway i slowed my walk pace down, looked behind me as though i was looking for the bus and wondered to myself dead body? live body? some body? any body wanna catch a bus beside me? Nope. O.K. no big deal keep walking slowly to the bus bench,don't get real close, clear my throat? CLEAR MY THROAT, nope i think i will sing as loud as i can in my worst voice, i remember my oldest sister use to tell me when i would pretend sing girl that voice would wake up the dead. Well i sure wish she was here with me now cause i am about to see if what she said was true,and i howled. YEP howled. What happened next was so funnie, the body jumped up and it was a young dude,and he said o damn i done die and gone straight to hell and he said to me was that you? and i said you? who? what? he mumbled something that sounded like damn woman don't do shit like that, and he walked off. Well i had open my mouth to tell him a that this was a bus bench not a bed, but, hell, he thought i scared him, wow, when he jumped up like that i damn near messed my pants. I put my hands together (anyone looking at me would say o how nice that womon is saying a prayer) and i was, to my sister i said girl I'm so glad you were right. And now i have Incorporated the pretend sing howl in my repertoire of defense tactics. Now all of this to go have a look see and i haven't gotten on the bus yet. Well i wait for the bus, after waiting 30 minuets i decided to start walking i figured i would catch the bus when it came at any stop i was near. I had not walk my own area for a long time,i had gotten use to being in cars and going where ever, this was exciting, then i started thinking about all the things that could happen to me if and when i came in contact with the men and low and behold one appeared before me a man he said miss could you tell me what time the buses run on this route? i answered him as i keep walking i really don't know and i ask him you new in the area yea? he growl something at me an he kept walking past me and i keep me mothers eye in the back of my head attitude, as i kept walking past him, passed a few more men and a lotta wimmin going back and forth,it wasn't terribly exciting. I realized i was pretty close to the address of the house i was going to look see so i didn't catch the bus, i think i will catch it going back i am tired and hungry. So there she is the house wow. There she is the house. So many visions went running through my head. The most adorable little old house, i didn't know these kinds of little ole house still existed. I am not going in the fence, i must tell the other wimmin about this before i go any further. Am i abandoning my old neighbors? we had really started to get along very well as a neighbor group and still maintain our independence,the young girls where looking and learning from all the wimmin who come to the (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space)the young boys were learning how not to act if they wanted attention from the wimmin and young girls, the older women and men never voiced regrets over me or my friends being there, of course me and my friends never voiced regrets over them being there either,we have a mutual acceptance of each other which feels really good. Will or can that happen here? Would i or other wimmin have the strength to start what seems like all over again. Yes Gertie i know never again just to begin

OK OK ME AND MY ALTER

I have the right to be suspicious if i want, i have the right to discern and discriminate, i have the right to accept and reject i have, i have, i have, this is what is was saying to myself when madame alter walked right into the middle of my conversation with myself and begin to talk to me in what i called tongues and had the nerve to say to me that i was quite aware of what she was talking about and that i could call what she had to say anything i like and that i did have that right also. The nerve of her she said you know i am beginning to believe you might have some issue with wimmin and money that you really need to pay attention to. Maybe you are the divide or rather maybe you are the one who use money to divide yourself from other wimmin, she said i say this because here there is someone who is willing to support you and you began an analysis of her efforts toward you and the (LESBIAN HOUSE DINING-in-wimmin-only-space)action/event full of suspicion, and you cover your true feelings in some hi-fluting sounding words like discern and discriminate, accept and reject, and then you have the eggs to pair those words with i have the right to, so where did you gain the right ?who gave it to you? who else has those rights? or are they design solely for you? I heard myself say out loud i sure as hell don't need any guilt-tripping from you. You know when i heard my own voice saying these words out loud, i remembered as a little girl i would hear my mother talking to herself and i would ask her who she was talking to, she would say myself, and then she would say o not to worry about talking to yourself it was a very healthy sign,she also said it is when you started to answer yourself out loud that you may have a problem.Well so am i healthy or may i have a problem ? He he he he I'm talking to myself I'm talking to myself was that in Jane sibry song of o i forget so is that a good thing? Am i healthy? Am i loosing it? Have I lost it? You know i seem to having more and more thoughts about how to get rid of an alter,do i need analysis? My friend and my lover says she thinks i might be going anal. Well anyway i am gonna go by the house she offered and then i will tell the other wimmin at the next (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space) action/event about it to see what they think about the house and the idea and maybe about G..... I wonder if i can get rid of an alter with some strong drug, but that would affect me also wouldn't it? Alter answered YEP

WELL NOW?

Now that i have had my evaluation by the 5 wimmin i think i can go on being me self. So guess who showed up at my apartment in an unsafe part of town the womon with the 50 dollar donation i will stop calling her by that name as of now and address her by her name which is G...... She said she came by to make a suggestion and i told her i was willing to listen. Here is what she had to say. I have come to offer you another place to hold the (LESBIAN HOUSE DINING) event/action, it is an adorable little house that is in disrepair right now but if you are interested in the idea i will have it repaired and you can move into her the repair time will take about 3months, i will rent it to you for a small amount comparable to what you pay for your apartment, i know that you would want work done on her when you move there should you accept done by wimmin and that will be up to you.You will be responsible for that i will pay for work done on her before you move in. Well i gotta tell you i was more than floored and of course very suspicious. I told her i needed to think about the offer and i never would have thought she would be the one who would make such an offer. I asked her where was it located she gave me the address and suggested that i go by and take a look at her, i plan to do that today. An old womon told me many moons age "one never know the wonders a day can bring" wow do i understand that now. Me alter said you see how colored your attitude about this womon has been now what is the true divide. I said to my alter don't get to glorious on me i still think that there might by a motive behind all of this. Me alter said you know the training of the patriarchy dies slowly, i asked what was that supposed to mean? No comment. So well now what do i think about this and me thoughts about G...... now? So is this the way money can be used not as a divide? I don't know yet still suspicious.

SO NOW WHAT ?

Well this has been quite a spectacular few days to say the least. I have taken myself in tow, had good conversation with my alter, and an extra intense conversation with myself. I am now ready to begin not again but to begin. I asked 5 wimmin to give me their true impression of me to me, i remember when i was a young girl my mother would ask each one of us girls (there were 5 of us) to tell her what we thought of her first as a womon then as a mother, she assured us that we would not be punished no matter what we said to her, so i really got this idea from her. I feel very frightened about my ability to accept whatever is said to me i think in can handle it, and i wanted to hear it before the next (LESBIAN HOUSE DINING-in wimmin-only-space) action/event. Here is what the 5 different wimmin told me. The first who talk to me said the following. You tend to be very opinionated, you are very loyal almost to a fault, your ability to control what comes out of your mouth needs some attention, you are a great lesbian or as you like to be call dyke. I thanked her and to myself i said well that wasn't so bad i didn't die i can take that. The next womon said to me i don't know if i can really tell you what i think and not have to deal with festered feeling you may have over what i say to you. I asked her whose feelings was she concerned about mine or her own? She said to me you have a tendency to hold animosity toward anyone who does not agree with what you have say, you seem to like some of us really well and the others of us are treated by you like we are subordinates, you are very opinionated, you tend to act as though you are the royal voice, i must say if there was a womon i would feel safe with under dire circumstances it would be you. I thanked her and thought to myself what is a royal voice cuz if its good i want to keep it and make it really good. I didn't ask her what a royal voice is i will on another day. The third womon i asked laughed and say girl you are just fine with me and i got your back. The fourth womon i asked said, i sure would not want to get into a verbal fight with you, i asked her anything else she said no that was it. I said to myself why not get into a verbal fight with me may be good for both of us. The fifth womon i asked said well your are an enigma and i don't really understand you or what makes you tick and that's about all i have to say about you to you. I said to myself i am not a clock or a time bomb tick tick tick. So i said to myself now that you have all this feed back what are you going to do with it? I don't know, i think i will take that that is of value to me use it the rest gar bage.

WHAT IS THIS REALLY ABOUT MEAT MONEY OR MEN?

You know after i thought over everything i have been told in the past few days, i started to questioned myself what is this really about? the phone calls about my not going to the (LHD) action/event where there was a non-plant based meal and a man roommate. I have heard everything from being called unrealistic, prejudice, narrow-minded, anarchist,nappy headed dyke, man-hater, and an assortment of names and labels i wont bother to mention. What is this really about ? It is hard to believe that my appearance at the (LHD) action/event was that important, i have not heard any of these words aimed at anyone but me and i was not the only womon who did not show up. Me alter said to me worry not, do what you know is best for you and others who feel the same will appear. Of course i intend to. Now where am i? Yes. I never envision that a discussion of men meat and money could cause such a stir, me alter said to me you know that is not true you knew when you started on this venture of discussing the '3Ms as a divide you knew that it would not be a comfortable trip, you know you discussed this and the possibilities of losing a lotta of friends(acquaintances), so whats with the moaning and angst again? Well i just want to go on about what i have an interest in to hell with the conversation. Me alter said not healthy, conversation must always be part of your intent or you go nowhere fast, remember you did say that no matter what you and other wimmin would talk about it and that you would not allow anyone or thing to interfere with you being with and talking with wimmin in a wimmin-only-space, so now a little butt burning conversation got you running? What the hell kind of dyke are you? Well i do believe it is time for me alter to shut up. And whatever she has to say i still think that this is not about me but about some women who have a difficult time turning loose men, meat and money and rather than face that issue they would rather point at my behavior and actions,easier to do that.

ON BONDAGE OR IS IT FREEDOM?

Well my mouth is finally closed and i started to say permanently but that is not true. As far as conversation on who invites whom to eat what or what-ever and who invites whom to live with them is really not my concern or interest and i do realize that. Now to talk about it or not is my choice and i do believe we all have that choice, how any of us use the choice is an individual thang, and this is what i said to the womon talking to me about her apartment and the (LHD) action/event at her house,also told her that i thought i had talked about it enough and if she or the other wimmin wanted to join me and other wimmin at the next (LHD-in wimmin-only-space) to feel free to do so. Now on bondage is it freedom or bondage to not feel comfortable in every situation? Am i bonded by or free from having thoughts and expressing those thoughts,even though they are not the common thoughts of everyday conversation? Am i bonded by non expression or free to express thoughts even though the expressions might be unpleasant for some to hear or difficult for me tell? So am i free to be or in bondage not to? Well as my alter would say what-ever. My promise to myself is clear i will participate in all (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space) events/actions i will go where food is plant based, I express my freedom by doing so, i express my willingness to be free of bondage by eating as i do and being with whom i choose.

NOT ANOTHER WORD ON MONEY?

Well you know before you know it power can take over you, i mean can't it or she? i mean just think the word and then see if you can really feel the word. p o w e r p o w e r p o w e r the word seem to gain more p o w e r as i say it. Now how does that happen? How does a word gain power? I really don't know but i feel my heart beat a bit faster when i see the word spell out bold like that, so is it the word or what i feel when i think of the word? me alter is out again she said pleeze don't start again with the anal probing. O.K. so where were we? O yea i was thinking about the money envy again,but not now o.k., so about the womon who wanted to talk to me about my feelings and thoughts about not coming to her house for a (LHD) event/action because of her choice of a non-plant based menu and her choice of a man for a roommate, she came to me and asked me the following questions. Her questions, What is wrong with eating sea animals (although she did not called them sea animals) and what is wrong with her being a lesbian and having a man for a roommate? Before i could response she said, she could understand me having some discomfort with eating seafood, but she nor the other wimmin had required this of me, and that she did prepare some vegan/vegetarian foods for the event/action. And as far as her roommate was concerned he was not there neither before nor during the event and she did not think it was fair that i would put such limits on her and other wimmin and that to her it was no different from when men put limits on us because we are wimmin. She said that some of the other wimmin wanted to come to the apt (my apt.) for the (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space) but felt as though they were not welcome anymore because of their choice to come to her apartment for the past action. Have you ever become aware of your mouth opening and closing and no words coming out? Not even a sound? And your heart is beating fast? And there is a bead no not a bead an entire curtain of sweat on your forehead and in the center of your hands? Have you ever had that experience? Its quite tripy isn't it?

WORDS AGAIN?

Me and me alter sat down for a talk with each other today. Some of the things she likes to talk about really get next to me sometimes in a positive way, sometimes in a negative way, sometime just in a strange way, that is inexplicable. Me alter said to me you think much to much, and then you go to the next extreme and feel much to much, she also said you give to much credit to the meaning of words instead of seeing them simply as words. When you take the power you have serious you will discover that words are just that words and the feelings you give to the words are the same as the power you give words, once you really recognize this you will have regained your power and you will then know what power is. WOW now that's a mouth full. Have you ever felt that you knew everything there was to know, and then in an instant feel as though you know nothing at all? Many many moons ago an old womon told me that in the total design of everything there were at any given time ten thousand people in the world who knew everything, at the same time there were five thousand people in the world who knew something, at the same time there were one thousand people in the world who knew the same thing. Now what has that to do with this? I realize i don't really know,i think i don't, but i don't feel as though i don't. Who is talking here me or me alter? So said me alter is this about money? money envy? or the divide of money? O.K. i am ready on envy i feel and think i have no envy about the way the womon or anyone chooses to spend the money that they have. What i have is an overwhelming annoyance with those who use money to oppress, show off, flaunt it,and act as though because they have some money what they have to say and or do with others is always to their likings. I do think that using money to demonstrate how great thou are is a sign of high levels of disdain for others and really for self and show high levels of feeling of low self-esteem. I have seen those who use money in ways that are reported to bring good will and cheer into an environment and i have seen what good will and cheer was left in the environment when they left. No matter what the divide is still there the haves the have-nots.

THE AFTER-EVENT

My head is still spinning from the (LHD -in wimmin-only-space) action/event last night. It was totally exhilarating. In addition to the lively conversation and the delicious food, the wimmin left as a donation for the next time, 30 key limes from their backyard trees, 5 ponderosa lemons from there backyard trees,(wow have you ever seen a ponderosa lemon these girls are huge must weigh about 2 to 3 lbs.,) i tasted one are they ever delicious. Another 13 ears of corn(corn is in now), 3 bunches of collard greens, 5 vidalla onions, a bag of garlic, 5 huge eggplants, a bag of raw sugar, 3lbs of organic tofu, and 85.dollars. I am still thinking about what that womon said to me about me having money envy, i am beginning to think that's akin to being accused of have penis envy. Well what is money envy? I guess its time to go back to the master computer the brain. Now does that mean i am envious of money, having it or not having it? How does one rid self of any kind of envy? Is envy when u don't have something someone else has and then what ?you make an attempt to get it? Or is envy when someone has something you want and you take it from them? or is it when someone else has something and you want it and you design your ways or life to see if you can act as though you have it or you are getting it? On envy i have noticed over the years that envy has an odor, sound,staccato,beat, i also noticed that you could create music from the beat of envy. Now as i think of all of this i cant pick up the odor, sound nor beat of this envy that i might possess my money envy (see how quickly we take things as our own now its my money envy) where does that come from? me alter told me that comes from a need to possess. GEE! I have been told that there are other magnificent ideas and thought to be had, me alter says nope these are the ones to stay with right now, mainly because i find no particular comfort in the thoughts of money envy.

THE PAN YARD VEGAN GOURMET CHEF?EVENT

What an event!WOW! I never could have imagined how wonder-filled we lesbian/wimmin are. The (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space) was more than i could have ever guessed she would be, the wimmin were spectacular, the food was creative, good and definitely gourmet, and we were all gourmands with a dyke touch. Lemme tell you about the food, first the pan-yard purslane, spanishneedle to die for it was very good all the wimmin wanted to know how i came up with that one, the fried rice came out much better that i had supposed it would and the green beans lightly steamed were excellent. Here is what some of the other womyn brought to the event/action. 5 organic hass avcacados from her tree, 2lbs of fresh mozzarella, and a key lime pie, 15 ears of organically grown corn, and 2 loaves of fresh home-made bread. So we ate fried rice corn on the cob, pan-yard mango salad,green beans, and slices of mozzarella with lime juice and olive oil and sea salt. We talked about the feelings of seemingly starting over again, one womon said she was very excited with the idea of starting all over again because it was really a new experience to her, she said she did want to talk about her feelings over wanting to invited other wimmin to the event she had invited 2 wimmin and both came, however she said she had felt strange telling these wimmin that this was a womyn-only space, i asked her what was strange to her? she said each time she would tell a womon about the action/event they wanted to know was it a lesbian affair? and she did not know what to say. I asked her if she was a lesbian she said no i am not, so i ask if you are not a lesbian then why is it difficult for you to answer?She said because she knew that most of us were lesbians and she did not want to mislead anyone. Another womon said well if you are not a lesbian and you are here with us some of us who are some who are not lesbians just tell women who ask just that. O how could i not have mentioned you remember the woman that came who left the 50.dollar bill and who i had a conversation with about money she came, she was the one who gave the 2 loaves of home-made bread, she made the bread herself and it was very good. I asked her if she had gone to the (LHD) event/action at the womon's house who has the man room mate she said she had and she found it to be interesting and she somehow realized how much she missed being in an unsafe part of town with us wimmin i don't know about the other wimmin i took this as a compliment ego or me alter talking? Me don't know. I said to her o the idea of danger is appealing to you? She looked and me an shook her head and said you are really a piece. Now what does that mean a piece? apiece? a piece? of what? of course i said all of this to myself. She then asked me have you dealt with your money envy? I damn near fainted MY MONEY ENVY? I asked myself is this bait or what, i don't remember ever saying i had a money envy, she was the one who asked me if i was envious of the way she handle her money. I have got to resolve this crap with her and money now. I said to her I see money as one of the 3M's that divide us wimmin. No matter what it comes down to we wimmin are divided by money, saying it is not money but the way it is used,is what divides us means little to me, however it is or is not used money is a divider, those who have it are a constant reminder to those who don't, and those who do tend to flaunt the having of it whenever they are around those who don't . Another womon there asked me well how would you or what would you do to stop the divide of money between us? Another womon asked is that possible is it really possible to stop any of the power of the divides of any of the 3M's? I answered yes some of the other wimmin said they felt it was entirely impossible to get rid of the 3M's therefore impossible to stop the divide, she said she thought that the effects and the use of the 3M's as a divide could be lessen but the total demise to her was not possible. Another womon one who had identified herself as a seplesbian dyke said in a Utopian lesbian nation the 3M's did not exist. Now that i want to hear more of. The reaction to her i thought was strange, most of the wimmin there said talking about utopia was really just talk about an unrealistic dream,and you know what ? most of the wimmin shook there heads in agreement. Well this is a lot to think about.

O FOOD WHERE ART THOU? WITH THE MON EY?

O.K. i have talk to me alter she has talked to me. We came up with some interesting conversation with each other but none about the acquisition of food without the use of money, so now the (LHD-wimmin-only-space) takes place tonight and i must come up with a food plan,so o o,here is the plan that came to me just now. I have 20 dollars of which i have allotted 5 for food if i cant come up with another plan. I thought about having only 15 dollars left if i spend 5 so i now don't think that is a good idea i would rather keep the entire 20. So here is what i am going to do.Walk outside in the yard and see what i can see or come up with. And i do just that, in the yard i spotted some purslane and Spanish needle,what is that? Well a long time ago a womon told me if i ever got hungry i could eat purslane and Spanish needle she showed them to me and i do remember how they looked, the purslane tasted like okra and the Spanish needle like spinach when picked before they flower, so i start to pick the weeds, nice bunch of both, should make great salad with mangos o yea a weed fruit salad, now if i worked on the beach at one of those fancy hotel, i could call me self a gourmet chef with an eye to pan yard menus, yea that's good. Since i have some of the green beans left from before and some basmati rice i think i will make veggie fried rice, now that sounds good to me the menu is planned, veggie fried rice, with a pan weed mango salad. So is that enough for the what 10 11 of us tonight i think i need something else but what? Then i looked at the menu again and thought to myself shit you are one clever dyke. Somehow i felt that some of the wimmin who come tonight will bring something, its that dyke feel about each other. The time approaches,the music tonight, i have on Gail Ann Dorsey, i really like her, the lights are just at the right hi or low, used crotons as the plant center piece, but not on the table with the food, put it on another table me father once told me crotons were one of the greatest dyes for fabric, but could emit a slight poison and not to place near food, so just in case he is correct not near the food. I mean we are all dying everyday but i don't want to go tonight over the food. Now to wait and see,stop bitting your nails,why? they are mine yes but, shut up alter.

MIS JUDGE

You know i thought a lot about the womon i called who said she would not come because of what she had heard, and i thought a lot about myself and asked myself would i not go somewhere solely based on what i had heard? would i go somewhere solely based on what i had not heard? I also thought about judging mis judging not judging. Now what is that really about? I know that i make judgements about someone or thing every waking and some sleeping moments, so whats with the angst over as i said misjudging in this case? AY its that alter going for it again, so anyway i grabbed hold of me alter sat her down on a stool and said to her do you wanna talk about this? She said i don't like to always be looking into my navel or up me ass and if i want to say a word i can do it without angst i am the one with the power, i imbue words with power, i am powerful, so this angst over words gets me very very crazy. I finally calmed my alter down and now i am back to myself,o.k. Now back to the (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space) action/event. Major thing here FOOD, now there is still some fresh veggies left from the last event here, i look in the pantry and find some more basmati rice, nothing for a salad, there are some limes and 2 mangos left over, OK. now i have to face that divide called money again, i have exactly 20.dollars, must make a decision buy some more food, use what i have, call some womon for help, what to do? You know there comes a time i think in all of our lives when we just do what-ever (i use to say what ever we are lead to do and now i ask who will lead me and who will i follow) SIT DOWN ALTER O.K.? So anyhow the FOOD. I thought of an old womon i know when i was a little girl, the first time i met her was around a fire she had going outside of a small strange smelling little house that smoke came out of at the roof, her name is Missie and i am told that she is one of my cousins. I remember sitting next to her near the fire and she started telling me how to parch peanuts in an open fire, she also told me how peanuts grew and to this day i will always remember her saying when you get ready to reap the peanuts you must go slowly because the nut is so on top or as she said right there looking at you and you could miss it very easily, now as i think about this she is the one who taught me fire and how to use fire. I remember asking her why the smoke came out of the top of her house like it did, she said to me this house is a smoke house and i tend it, she told me what a smoke house was, what it was used for, and that when it was cooled down enough she would take me in there. She did that and the impression on me was and still is very livid and viberant to this day. And o.k. about the food i will need for the (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space) action/event. What to do?

5 TURNS TO 10 AND BACK AGAIN

I called all the other4 wimmin and 1 new womon to remind them about the (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space) action/event at my apartment on Friday night. The new womon sounded very excited and asked if she could bring something told her if she wish she could as long as it was plant based if it was food. The other four womon said each one of them were bringing another womon with them that would make us total 10, i like odd numbers so i decided i would call one other womon, she told me that she had heard of the action/events and had also heard that we had split because of some disagreement on who could come, i commented that that was really not why some of us had parted from each other and she was welcome to come to the action/event on Friday night. She said she did not think she wanted to be a part of any dissension between wimmin and she thought she would not come, i was disappointed with myself to have so misjudged her.

TO START ANEW

Well we must began again, and as Gertrude said never again yes anew,so here we go. Another (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space) action/event is taking place and now we are five, so i asked among us who wanted to host this event, the other five wimmin said they were fine with keeping the action in my apartment in a (unsafe part of town), where we somehow felt very safe. I was curious about how the other event/action turned out and i told the wimmin i would call a woman later to find out. We decided we would stay at my apartment for four more meeting and at that time we would look at where again, i and we all agreed. So now to plan for the next time. We talked about food what food would we serve again we agreed that the food would be plant based, that what ever was left as a donation would be entirely left up to the individual womon and that we would be wimmin-only. I agreed to call each womon the night before to remind her, and that i would call one other new womon and invite her they all agreed to do the same.

FOOD? MON EY?

And this womon said to me o.k. now that the (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space) is being held in another womon's home how do you feel about that? I said i feel that we have ignored ourselves again by acquiescence's to having the space in a place where we are not all wimmin together, and the agreement to have some non plant based foods really is a sell out to ourselves, since we are the ones who agreed to this arrangement. She said remember we agreed to have this in a lesbian's home and that is going to happen, so the womon has a man for a roommate she has promised that he will not be there, and as far as the food is concerned having a bit of sea food,is not going to kill us. I said you are correct the sea food wont kill us but it will kill a few sea animals. I again mentioned that the divide had happened since some of us myself included would not be at the next (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space) action/event because of the voted on agreement to go to the womon's house who lives with a man. I again asked myself if she is a lesbian what is she doing with a man for a roommate? And if she had agreed to be a part of the (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space) then why would she want to serve sea animals? and when would the divide of money make its appearance? the other two divides were there and operating . Well the 5 of us who would not go are now seen as the divide, and that really sucks. I refuse to be a part of something i really deep in my heart and core know to be divisive among us lesbian/wimmin. I said all of this to the womon i was talking to her comment was simply this when you allow a silly thing like who a womon has for a roommate keep you from being with other wimmin, or what she eats keep you from being with other wimmin you need to really consider who or what the divide really is. It sounds as though your opinions are the real divides for you and others like you who maintain such an attitude prevent others like myself from doing the real work of uniting all people. Well now i said what a complete turn around from being lesbians together in a (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space) dealing with the 3M's to uniting all people. Why is it that when we lesbian/wimmin get together for anything there is always some women who have the need to see if she or they can point us in some other directions, as though we don't know what we want or need for ourselves to become more true to ourselves, i also said i did not remember any one of us asking for new directions, she said if this were true we (meaning us wimmin) would not be divided over this simple issue. O now it's a simple issue.WOW. I don't give a rat's behind what any one has to say here i will go to a (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space),but now what do we do those of us who feel this way can we now continue with our own agenda? I shall see.

THE MON EY DIVIDE? NO? YES?

So i said to myself not money, not meat, not men that causes the divide among us wimmin but the way these divides are used? So if i use money how? or meat how? or men how? so how are these used to create the divide? Is this some sort of wyrd word game? I keep going through my head to see if i can create some sort of situation where i use the 3M's not as a divide and i can not for the life of me come up with one thing, keep thinking maybe it will come to me. Going to the master computer the BRAIN, see what happens.

THE DIVIDE CALLED MONEY

I thought a lot about what the woman asked me about the way she handled her money, or rather the money she had. I asked myself if i was envious of her having money, and then i asked myself what does having money mean to me? what does not having money mean to me? I am still thinking about those questions and some of the thoughts i have seem strange even to me. For example is having money the same as having sex? children? pets? cars? vitality? morality? virtuosity? love? bowel movements? pain? joy? a stomach ache? or any ache? I have seen what and how money is used, i had not thought of how the other things i had listed were used . How do others use sex, children, pets, cars and so on to their advantage. I started to feel as though i was getting way off track, i thought to myself this is about money, how did i get to this other stuff? Then the other me started to talk inside my head and here is what she said. The questions about money that were put to you by that woman are designed to cause you to begin to focus on other ideas rather than the ones you and the other wimmin had agreed to come together for. I said to myself surely this woman didn't come here just to get us off focus, and if its that easy to do surely we must have a lotta work on ourselves to do. The voice in my head said you see first one creates doubt, then after doubt one creates an incentive for navel gazing, after that everything else is very easy in terms of destroying a group idea. The question in my head but why would any woman want to create destruction in a wimmin-only group? Why not just go to a group that is not -wimmin-only? Am i losing it is this just some form of pre-patriarchal training that is rearing its ugly head is this real am i dreaming is this a figment of my imagination is this one of my demons i must deal with before i can go on in a (LHD -wimmin-only-space) ? What is going on? It is not money but the way money is used that divides us wimmin? Do you say that is true of the other divides meat and men its not them but the way they are used that divides us?

ET TU MON-EY AGAIN?

I think i need to go within again,cause there are a lot of happenings here at the (LESBIAN HOUSE DINING-in wimmin-only-space, that are causing me great concern. Since the woman with the money came everyone seem to be running after her for some sort of approval. I am beginning to wonder if i feel distance from her because of the way she presents herself with money. Or is it i am upset because i don't have the obvious green stuff called money that she seems to have? or is it i really see how she uses money as some sort of power stick? I don't really know what it is, i do know that my feelings are really beginning to get stronger and i am feeling a bit uncomfortable in this setting now. Well i am from the school of face it so i think it is time for me to say something,but what? So i started with asking the woman if she had a lotta money? She asked me why did i ask? I said well i notice that you leave so much money here in the space, more than most of us leave, and that this gave me the impression that she had a lot of it. She said, no i do not have a lotta money, however, i feel compelled to leave money here because i feel as though i have found a place where i can learn to be myself all over again and i feel honored to be here, so the money i leave is a way for me to help this happening to continue, and yes it is a selfish motive i have, for i do have myself in mind when i do that. Then she asked me the strangest question. She asked me if i was envious of her ability to do leave what seemed to me large amounts of money? I answered that i had become suspicious of her motives. She said her motives were really simply, she believed in supporting that, that supported her. I said to her that money was one of the 3M's that divided wimmin, she said she thought it was not money that divided us but the way money is used was the dividing factor. I have heard this many times. What does this really mean?

ET TU MON EY?

When will we have a big meal it is about time, things are getting a bit twripy. O great the night is the night i noticed the womon whose house is hosting the (LESBIAN HOUSE DINING-in -wimmin-only-space) action has prepared with some other wimmin a beauti-filed meal. O.K. what is it? Mongolian style seitan, basmati rice, southern style glazed onions, steamed Swiss chard with pine nuts, and baked sweet potatoes, looks very good and every one is dishing up a plate and so will i. Be wild to see who comes to the action tonight, already there are 12 wimmin here and some one else is coming in now. O wow its the woman who was here last time that called me dear and left a 50.dollar bill, now that is a surprise to see her here again,and she has 3 other wimmin with her. Everybody is talking the small talk right now. What is small talk? How is it different from large talk? Who talks small talk and who talks large talk? When is small talk appropriate and when is large talk appropriate? Or is any of it ever appropriate? O here she comes toward me the woman of the 50 dollars, dear, i must have some words with myself about my attitude toward this woman? womon?, why am i examining the spelling of the word in my head when i think of this woman? womon? Why? Well here she is and she said to me i feel as though we got off to an uncomfortable start the last time we met, and i want you to know that i did not come to create any enemies, i really came here because i want to learn new ways of being and thinking as a woman. I said i think you have come to the right place, i am not your or any womon's enemy and yes we did get off to an uncomfortable start, so lets start a new. So let us see what that means.

SO WHAT HAPPEN WITH THE MONEY?

Well, after talking to one of the wimmin in the (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space) about opening the size of the group of us who come here, i realized that was a really weird conversation. Why would we be even entertaining that kind of thinking since the group of us here came with the idea of being in a space that deliberately dealt with the 3M's those three that divided us wimmin men,meat,money? Yes we would continue to deal with these 3 divides and Yes any womon who wanted to join us could with the reminder of who we were and why we were where we were. I don't need to be a part of a social club, i don't think and if i do, i want the sociability with wimmin in a (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space), i want to talk and hear other wimmin talk about the 3M's, i want to talk about any and everything that any womon brings up that has to do with the 3M's, i want wimmin here who may or may not be vegetarians, i want wimmin here who are ready to reject the ways of men, i want wimmin here who are ready to talk about the killing of animals for food and are willing to reject the idea, i want wimmin here who are ready to deal with and talk about the practices of using money to oppress and impress that's what i want. Speaking of money i noticed that the woman who call me dear left a $50.bill in the donation pot and i also noticed that the other wimmin in the group noticed the action. So are we looking at it now i think so, it will be interesting to see what effect her actions will have on all of us, i mean she didn't commit a sin or did she?

LHD-in-wimmin-only-space?

The very idea of a (Lesbian House Dining-in-wimmin-only-space) seemed to me to be well established here but the rumblings going on around her about the need for her existence is beginning to really surface. The other day a womon called me and asked if i thought it would be a good idea if the group started to embrace other wimmin,wimmin who don't necessarily feel the need to be or considering being vegetarians or lesbians? I said no. She got very upset and began to talk about being more open to those whose thinking was not always parallel to my way of thinking. I said to her that i had been all my life open to those whose thinking and mine were not parallel and that i felt very good being in a group where my thinking and their thinking did not cause me a lot of problems, and that there were parallels that felt OK to me. I also told her that if i wanted to be a part of a hetero group dialogue the offerings were plenty, and i was very happy to know that some women would not like to attend the group because of who we were and that i was sure they could find or form groups that appealed to them more so then the group in the (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space). She told me that she did not realize before now how willing i was to remain limited. I said OK, my limitations say bye

NEW WIMMIN WHY?

One of the wimmin at the (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space) asked, can we limit our numbers to a certain amount? Because she said, every time there are new wimmin here it seems as though we have to start all over with what we already know so that the new wimmin who come get an idea of who we are and that takes time from us to talk more about what we are interested in. One other womon said she thought that would be very elitist, another womon said so? And i thought to myself o please don't let this end up being a discussion on elitism pleeeze. Another womon said she didn't think numbers was something we needed to concern ourselves with since there were only 15 of us at any given time there. Another womon said see could hear the seeds of ' we' and 'they' pushing up out of the grounds of a group mind. I said it was fine with me to have as few or as many wimmin in the space whenever and that to me the important thing was that we all got some chance to voice whats going on with us, on us, in us. Then after i said that i thought to myself what do you mean a chance to voice whats going on? i sure as hell don't want this space to turn into some sort of the-rapy session or sessions. I began to think why do we need to limit numbers? I mean what would happen? Would we have zillions of wimmin knocking the doors down to get in to talk about whatever? Would we have to hire a hall? Have a conference? Elect ossifurs? Collect dues? Create special interest groups? Have a convention? Elect members to political post? Organize rallies? Collect dues? Worry about the money and what to do with it, or who to give it to, and for what? What happened to Anarchy. New Wimmin humm.

DREAMS

I really don't know what is prompting all these wild dreams, the only thing i can think of is they are coming because of the time I've spent at the (LHD-in wimmin-only-space). A long time ago when we first started on the path to vegetarianism my honie and i decided to get some chickens, first because i loved eggs and was getting sick every time i would eat eggs purchased from the supermarket, at that time the best eggs to get where from others who had chickens,but in the city where we lived having chickens in your yard had been forbidden by the people who had more interest in supermarkets and finding someone who had chickens had almost become extinct. We moved to another part of the city that was not bound by chicken laws so we made contact with a womon who we knew who was a driver for a company that shipped chickens to South America,we convinced her to bring us some chicks,she knew enough about chickens to be able to sex them and gave us six beauti-filled chicks,and we got one beauti-fill adult chicken from one of our new neighbors who had chickens. We learned a lot about chickens that year,we learned that there were all kinds of chickens,some named after where they lived like Rhode Island Reds and Plymouth's Rocks and so forth. We had one chicken a gorgeous black with white tips on the end of her feathers we call babalou, she laid blue eggs. And so we started eating eggs from the chickens in our yard and i found i did not get sick anymore, as time went on and the supermarket started selling eggs gotten from range free chickens or organically grown i stopped getting sick. The chickens we got to love very much and they were with us until the hurricane Andrew blew in their cages and they were killed by some animals who got loose from the zoo. Now this was a long time ago and i still have dreams about them,they had no longer become objects for food cause we had fallen in love with them, watch them turn the gardens, watch them argue with the cats, watch them argue with us . Do you know that a lotta wimmin did not know that a chicken can have an egg without a rooster? Many wimmin at that time asked how are you going to have eggs if you don't have a rooster? And our response would be the same way a womon bleeds monthly without a man. That brings me to this i have a sister who will eat chicken but will not eat an egg, she says eating an egg to her is the same as eating monthly bloods,well she has a point a chicken's egg is her monthly. Kicking the egg habit has been a constant journey. I dreamed last night that all the chickens we once had were back with us and they were laying eggs in great abundance, and i got very upset because i had not feed them or given them water in a bit but they kept laying eggs, wow now whats that about?

A NEW ME?

Well here i am at a (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space) happening again. I notice that there are a lotta wimmin here, some i know others i don't. Good to see so many different wimmin but i don't know i kinda knot up around so many i don't know,but i gonna give myself and them a chance, i will stay (whew). The food looks really good and i am really hungry, glad i don't have to wait for everyone else to start eating, I'll get me a plate and go sit in a corner till talk gets started. So i grabbed myself and sat in a corner i thought was far away,everybody is getting food and finding places to sit. A very friendly womon sat next to me and introduced herself, i am OK now,breathing coming back to where it should be,so i smiled and introduced myself. We are all sitting somewhere eating and talking, i wonder should i bring up my dreams or talk about the food? Didn't have to wonder long there is this womon first time i have seen her,talking about the psychological impact of being in a room full of ONLY WOMEN, almost everyone in the room became intensely quite,one womon ask her what do you mean only wimmin ? she said well there are only women here. I said no that's not so there are cats here, she acted as though she thought i was making an attempt at being funny, but i wasn't, there are cats here. Another womon said yes we are wimmin only here, this is a conscious decision on our part, many of us here are lesbians, the womon said I'm not, before i realized it i said how sad for you, and with that comment she gave me her most un-approving look. Now what the hell is an un-approving look,well i know what one looks like of about whatever. Well anyway the womyn continue to explain why we were here and why we were here with wimmin only. I became annoyed and expressed my annoyance, i said i agreed with Gertrude when she said explanation is composition, the woman ask me and i repeat who on earth is Gertrude dear? I said Gertrude Stein in her book how to write, the woman just look at me and said o how cute. Can you f...... imagine how cute? Should i leave now nope wont allow any patriarchal do-do cause me to leave a (LHD-in-wimmin-only-space), but didn't the other wimmin hear it? Well! i said to myself u just wait till she lays something on one of them then i betcha they will want to talk about it, maybe its just my paranoia. Maybe just jumpie cuz of my visions. One of the wimmin went back to explaining and i asked why should so much time be spent on explaining to anyone why we were and who and how we were? another womon said that yes explanation is composition and she was explaining and composing the surrounding for some one who was unaware. So she began to explain and compose again,and this went on for about 35mins, and finally a womon said hey this is enough can we get on with talking about something of interest to us now, she looked at the woman who all of the conversion had been directed too and said hope what we have said to you helps understand what we are about, and if not perhaps as you come more often you will understand. You know i remember one time a long time ago a womon that i was sitting in a cr group with said, these are the kind of women lesbians have to watch out for, cause knowing or not they always bring the man with them in them on them, i did not really understand what she meant then but i do now. Well anyway another womon said i have had a helluva time trying not to eat one of my favorite things to eat pork chops. I wanted to break out a big laugh but did not, i said to myself i wonder if that woman stirred up pork chop feelings in her by noting that we were only women, so i asked her if that was so? she said what a weird thing to say i said no not really since to me when she said the psychological impact of being with only women, was something a woman would say, who is more often with men and the hidden lesbian in each of us could hear and see that, and that triggered a desire for meat in this case pork chops which are really pig behinds. The womon said she did not think this was it since she had had a desire to eat pork chops before she met this woman. Well i don't know. They all started talking about their favorite parts of animals that they like to eat. My mothers voice came into my head, U MUST LEARN PATIENCE ! Well this is not the conversations i expected but this is what it is. I begin to think to myself did i make a enemy today sure did not intend to. Yes there is still a lot for me to learn about myself and others.

DREAMS AND FROGS AGAIN?

I have got to talk to the wimmin tonight at the (LHD-in wimmin-only-space) about these dreams they keep coming like floods now and sometimes i am not sure if i am awake or asleep when the occur. Had another one just last night, this time i was alone on a very dark street i had started to fly (flying dreams i have often), and was just about 3 feet off the ground when a huge frog started flying with me, but the frog looked like a womon, hat is she had a womon's body, but frog legs, she was using her front legs like wings but she only had one leg on the back of her body the other leg was just the bones without the flesh on them, and she kept saying to me what sounded like "yea lets fly" "yea lets fly" "yea lets fry" "yea lets fry" and then she kept smiling at me, she did not have teeth and had a mouth like a human/womon. Now the first thing i asked myself when i woke up or came to i don't know which one,was are you hungry? What did you have to eat before you went to bed? well it was not frogs that's for sure. Now i was tempted to call one of the elders and ask her what did she think these dreams were indicative of, i did not call her really because i knew what her response would be "you have the tools now divinate into the vision" she called all dreams visions. I didn't want to divinate, i think i was scared, maybe i wont mention these dreams to the other wimmin yet. I remember being told some tale as a young girl about some girl kissing a frog, but i cant for the life of me remember why she kissed or would kiss a frog, i dont think i can bring my lips together to kiss a frog. I saw a cat once catch a boufer frog and the glue from the frog caused the cats mouth to glue up trying to get the glue off with her paw her paw stuck to her face, because my love had read just recently about these frogs and the way they kept themselves from being harmed exuding a glue that caused a seeming paralysis so she grabbed some dish washing liquid and squirted the cat with it and started to wash the cat, i was glad she was there and so was the cat who was a bit scared but OK, i betcha that cat wouldn't go near another frog, but what is the message to me? I have not eaten a frogs leg in over 40 years so what do these dreams mean?